I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
