and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
These tits shall not be calmed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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