How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
