The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
