Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
