I'm going to jail i love you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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