i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
