I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
