it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
