it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
