What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
