Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
