you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
