I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
