Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
