life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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