If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
