you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
