Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize