the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
