You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
