Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
