I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
