I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
