I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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