My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
