stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just forgot I was standing up.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
