Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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