You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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