Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
