so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
