Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
