so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
