Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
