I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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