I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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