a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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