Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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