i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
