i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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