I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
