apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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