I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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