I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
