Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
