On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize