I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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