So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I checked into jail on foursquare
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize