Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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