There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
