He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
