I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
