I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
