sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
