it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
