I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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