This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
