Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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