i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
