he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
